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Saturday, November 3rd, 2001
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| Time: | 8:50 pm. |
| Mood: |  sad. |
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you are not quite the center of my universe, as many believe. i know that even you, yourself, think on that.
but sometimes, you come quite close.
i cannot help it. this is the way i love.
(with everything i have, everything that tells me to breathe)
___________________________
i found a little of myself today. something that i hadn't ignored, but something i had discovered (as if and only now) for the first time.
i hung her in my room. she looked so sad and beautiful.
someone said that a definition of beauty in japan had once been this :
a woman can only be beautiful if she had known sadness
i lay back on my bed, staring at her. she is only made of lines and black and white. but she seems so real, sighing behind that gleaming saxophone. her gray elbow brushing against the word, "reminisce".
what are you remembering?
___________________________
tired.
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Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
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i am very excited for her new community. i have my digital camera, and will start experimenting with it tomorrow, when i am alone in those house and have no need to explain things.
it is a very beautiful place, so far. i find myself enable to comment with anything substantial or un-hollow (without sound of amazement and pure enthrallment echoing through computer screens)
___________________________________
i met someone today.
i know i love you. we both know that. and we also know how bad this is for me. isn't it times like this, that you understand? that i do not tie myself to you, do not give myself no chances.
he was there and we walked and talked. you a little ahead, or you a little behind. i wondered on what you thought?
a part of me wished you were jealous.
a bigger part of me knew you were happy for me.
ah, if only.
if only.
___________________________________
"but the old lady said we'd all come out happy in the end."
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Friday, November 2nd, 2001
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an interesting conversation today. these words are prettier than the ones actually uttered but
(as one said, all i have are pretty words. and this is what i will share with you)
"all of them in the family can see things, hear things. three eyes open, one unblinking. only one had a blank forehead, and he died early. 25."
"doesn't that mean something? not having the gift, not having lived long?"
"but he shouldn't have lived in the first place. he died when he was born, but the doctors breathed misplaced life in him."
"..........borrowed time."
"yes, borrowed time."
you wonder. did he know that? did he know that as he fell kneeling to the ground in that busy metropolis, the scent and movement of life around him. did he know, as he collapsed and tasted the gravel, cried involuntarily of the distant pain. did he know that it was all just
borrowed time?
i want to know what your last thoughts were.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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all you have left to believe in is
magic.
________________________
close those eyes and try
to forget of the promises
i break tonight (you should
know that i am breaking
them for
us.)
________________________
woke up and took a breath this morning. and for a moment, i thought it was you that was breathing, and not i.
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Monday, October 29th, 2001
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too lonely.
lying on bathroom tiles
staring
(waiting for the happiness
to fall through the cracks)
at your ceiling.
_________________________
it's not right to miss you this much...
...(and isn't it a feeling seldom reciprocated?)
_________________________
sometimes, i wish i was more than a last minute addition to plans of combating boredom on a Sunday afternoon.
sometimes, i wish people would really want to be with me.
just to
be with
me.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Thursday, October 25th, 2001
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| Subject: | ARGH. |
| Time: | 5:18 pm. |
| Mood: | i HATE you, Lj.. | | Music: | ARGH. argh, like all these times.. |
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i CAN'T find my ENTRY.
{sobs}
it was a pretty entry. i wanted to add it to my memories, save it and send it to someone as a story.
and it's NOT here.
{bawls}
this is so sad.
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Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 12:35 pm. |
| Mood: |  nostalgic. |
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i woke up this morning with light filling my window (opened my eyes to be greeted by the sharpness of reality's colors) and i lay there for a long time, making up pretty fantasies in my head. like i used to when i was in grade school.
and i'll do this...and he'll do that...and he'll say this...
pretty, pretty fantasies.
(his eyes are kinder in them, and in them, i love him all over again)
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Wednesday, October 24th, 2001
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unappreciated.
as always.
____________________
i felt really lonely today.
sometimes i wish i had other friends.
is he the only person who's willing to associate with me on a daily basis?
or at the very least, a regular one?
sigh.
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lying beside him, our legs tangled up in an intricate design of clothed sexuality. my face buried in his chest, his lips on my forehead.
he smelt so good. it was like i had smelt nothing better in my whole life.
and then wrapping my arms around his shoulders, he still beside me, but his fingers now drawing patterns of sweat on the curves and valleys of my body. i've become a liquid like substance of emotion, or pure sensation.
it felt strange for him to be so dominant.
on top of him this time, moving on to the offense. arching and twisting in mad circles, clenching and tightening. with my head bent low, our foreheads touching, the heat from our bodies mingling.
and when i closed my eyes
and reached that place...
(i thought i could see unhooked stars falling through my eyelids)
...he caught me and quickly pulled me back into himself.
it felt good.
to just reach out and hold him when i wanted to.
it felt so nice.
to just lean over and kiss his forehead.
(but still refraining from saying "i love you" too often)
it felt too good. it felt too nice.
how can you leave me?
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, October 23rd, 2001
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new icons.
http://www.livejournal.com/allpics.bml?user=unhookthestars
sometimes i wish someone was madly in love with me, and would buy me a paid account.
actually (if) they were truly (yes, truly) in love with me, they'd buy me a damn permanent one.
ah.
then again.
___________________________
it's funny on how you take things oh so seriously.
and yet, find my own feelings trivial.
(why, oh why did i fall in love with a boy?)
i miss men.
___________________________
little brothers shouldn't have a right to exist.
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Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, October 22nd, 2001
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today was confusing.
(i lost him somewhere)
i tend to lose them in the same places
(somewhere in between the breathing
and somewhere deep within the
knowing and far away from the
time i open my eyes and say
"i know.")
i found it strange. how i stopped crying by just looking at the pathetic comfort that was the roll of tissue paper. very calmly, and very seriously, i thought :
"i can't cry anymore. i only have enough tissue for one more blow. so i'll stop crying now."
and that was that.
(but then in the space between the shaking of my shoulders
and the painfulhatingdeepintakeofbreath he suddenly)
very
quitely
breathes
"i love you."
(oh how how how how how i hate the way i love you)
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, October 16th, 2001
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i have never felt so useless. bored. and singular.
what a wonderful state of mine.
no, i'm not being sarcastic.
unlike most, i have a nefariously long attention span (yes, i'm quite proud of it)
and unlike most
i simply adore
being
bored.
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
{dances}
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, October 9th, 2001
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| Time: | 7:34 pm. |
| Mood: | sorry.. | | Music: | two girls (b&w) watching the world live and die. |
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i shouldn't have expected (...)
so much for angels.
(holding on desperately to your broken wings, i am too prideful to apologize)
just please understand me.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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last night was a hard one to go though.
i know i owed a certain friend an explanation, of things that happened while she was no longer here.
and for a long moment (after i had put down the phone, long after the reassurance of "i love you" had faded gently) i stared at the ceiling, contemplating.
contemplating.
i formed the words in my head, and could almost see them being typed across the screen. "it started when..."
when did it really start?
when did the fall begin?
(or when did i know i was falling?)
i remembered coming home that night. in my high school uniform, my eyes painfully keeping in tears. his hands, his breath, his eyes...were different. i felt used. violated. no, i felt like a whore. i could have said no, i could have said no, i could have said no, icouldhavesaidnoicouldhavesaidnononononononononooooooooooodon'ttouchmetheredon't touchmelikethatdon'tdon'tdon'tletmeletyou.
(why couldn't i stop him?)
(...i loved him.)
and i called her, and she hated me, and everyone else began to...
(and suddenly i am lostdrowningpainedneeding in this bed, sobbing so hard that it is shaking painfully beneath my body)
i called you again, my fingers clumsily dialing your number.
"i love you."
my light, my angel. drowning and now lost differently in your wings.
(i still cried myself to sleep last night but)
i dreamt of feathers and of your soft eyes.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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i'm simply overcome with freedom.
i've had so much time today. all the time in the world. and i know i'll have plenty of days like that from now on. the very idea is almost enough for me to orgasm to.
i wrote a bit for a thingamabob i joined. i wrote quite well, especially after i took a look at what other people were writing. not because they're good, mind you. but because they're writing skills are appalling, and their minds can only seem to focus on their boyfriends.
so, determined to defend a woman's honor (in so saying that she has an identity without a man and more importantly, without a relationship), i wrote like the wind. well, perhaps a breeze. not nearly as fast as the wind.
____________________
i find myself pleased. i am no longer the teenager who meant well, but never finished any of her planned projects. it seems perhaps, i'm growing up?
what a curious thought.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, October 4th, 2001
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| Time: | 11:26 pm. |
| Mood: | confused. |
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it feels strange (and fits clumsily into the jigsaw puzzle of his voice)
when he calls me that.
(a fresh stinging reminder that he had) not been there when i had needed him and yet (still not there) when i found the new (shivering waiting healing) me.
and why is there always this large (too large) part of me that always wishes to find the good in everyone?
(or maybe it is remembered emotion that makes me act this way)
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Saturday, September 29th, 2001
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| Time: | 8:57 pm. |
| Mood: |  content. |
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a very pretty story about a boy and a girl spoke into my head for a while. i read the story from my eyes, while i was in the shower (sweet water falling and drowning my words).
the story wasn't something meant to be shared, it was not good enough to be written. i've already forgotten most of it.
but it had a never nice place in my head today.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Sunday, September 23rd, 2001
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| Time: | 12:24 am. |
| Mood: |  enthralled. |
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it felt so good to love everyone today.
(for quite a while, i was scared that i had somehow lost this ungainly and unseemly and just horribly unreasonable love)
i am nothing but love tonight.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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unhookthestars's journal
annoyed.